Best Methods
by Lilith-dono
Summary: A shot of absolute lunacy. Writer has only had three hours of sleep in two days...Enjoy.


**Best Methods to Making a Sesshomaru Smile:**

"Come on, darling, you have to make a face someday. Your face will only freeze if you continue the way you are," she lectured the icy taiyoukai sitting beneath the tree in her shrine's backyard. He narrowed his eyes at her as she giggled, "wait now! What did I say? It's all ready frozen that way!"

Kagome sighed at his look. For years she had tried every single way as to get him to smile, but it just didn't work. How do you get a Sesshomaru to smile? Well, it was hard, but she had many methods…

**1. Taunt**

"Come on, deary, dear, come make Kagome a facey-wacey! It'll make me so happy-wappy!" She cooed, waggling her index finger over and around his nose. He sighed.

"Cease with the baby talk. You agreed to only use that voice with the baby," he said indifferently. She pouted. Perhaps taunting didn't help…perhaps another method was in order…

**2. Pout**

She did her well known puppy face by pursing her full red lips at him and fluttering her eyelashes in a way to make her seem cute and innocent. He didn't sway in his manner of look.

"Drat!" She cried, smacking his knee instead of hers. "You are just too good for me to outdo."

"Perhaps," he mused. Kagome glared into his sun kissed orbs for the longest of times, though it only resolved into a few seconds. She scowled and scowled and scowled until Sesshomaru said, "Your face will only freeze that way if you continue the way you are."

"Ptoohy," she grumbled.

"You said so yourself," he taunted, although his poker face seemed glued to his head. She pondered her methods for a moment before deciding to settle with method number three…

**3. Beg.**

"Sesshomaru!" She whined loudly. "Please? Please, please, please, please, please? Please with a humongous, gigantic, fantabulously delicious strawberry on top?" She asked, once again resorting into fluttering her eyelashes in the most innocent way possible. When he didn't respond, she smacked his knee again, "Why are you just such one tough cookie to crumble?"

"You should understand, dear Kagome, that you cannot break this face. I have molded it over centuries and neither you nor Mother Nature can or may force me to smile," he explained. "Now give up before you strain your brain trying."

"Ha!" She cried, planting her hands on her yellow skirted hips. "As if I should give up so easily! Sesshomaru Taisho, listen here, bub, you're tangoing with Kagome Taisho here—it's a very deadly dance. Are you willing to risk your life trying to outdo me?"

He raised an eyebrow, "Aren't you the one supposed to outdo me, my dear?"

"…You see through my ways of confusion. Drat, drat, triple drat!" She whispered, stroking her cheek. What would she do now? Did she have more methods to bring up? She had to have more to fall back on! _Man, if only this stubborn little cookie would burn in the pits of my dirty, dirty oven…_

"Scheming brings you too much pleasure," he concluded as she looked towards the sky for another plan. She grinned evilly at the taiyoukai sitting below the tree. Method number four…

**4. Annoy**

"Well, if you aren't the little smart ass here! Sesshomaru, a smart ass? Hmm…I need a better insult for you. A pansy ass is what you are! So weak and pathetic, sitting there, defying his wife! His life partner! The love of his life!" She cried, placing the back of her hand against her forehead for a dramatic pose.

"…What do you babble about now, woman?" He asked bluntly. She sighed as she fell forward on the ground.

"Woe is me! I once believed I broke through this dark lonely shell of his heart? Did I honestly think I melted his ice, and soothed his soul? Why did I believe he was ying to my yang? Why did I fall in love with a robotic being from the future!" Her shoulder heaved with fake sobs.

"…Your insanity suits you," he said after moments of watching her fake tears. She shot up like an arrow and glared.

**5. Intimidate.**

"Sesshomaru Taisho, you horrible man…" She glared with all of her might in attempts to through him off balance. After twenty minutes of two tremendous battling auras, she switched tactics.

**6. Force.**

"If you don't do what I say right this instant, Sesshomaru, you're out of the house! Yeah, you heard me! Divorce! I get the money, the kid, and the car! You'll be that homeless bum mooching for money just because of his evil wife!" She raised her eyebrows as she leaned forward over his knees. "I'd give up, darling. That way of life isn't the way to go…"

"You would never divorce," he scoffed. "Now you're spouting true nonsense."

"Fine! No more of that secret chocolate brittle you like to munch on! No…no more of that stupid music you listen to! Who in the world is _Pink Martini_ anyway?" Kagome ranted. He blinked once.

"…You realize you introduced me to _Pink Martini_. You enjoyed their latest album and decided, unfairly, to force it upon my ears," he explained.

"You didn't like it?" She whimpered. He decided not to answer. "You bastard!"

"Kagome, give up," he sighed as she stubbornly crossed her arms. He closed his eyes and attempted to think pleasant thoughts.

Kagome grinned. Method seven…

**7. The ultimate weapon...**

"Sesshomaru…" She purred, running her fingertips down his chest. He raised his silvery eyebrows as his golden eyes swept over her body language. She was pressing forward against his, her breasts pressing against his stomach. She wrapped her arms around his waist as her lean leg wrapped around his. "You've been a naughty boy, haven't you, making your wife work so hard to make smile? Perhaps we should both have a break, huh?"

**Seduction.**

_He __**always **__smiles evilly during sex. That still counts as a smile, I guess. So I play dirty? O well…I win the bet_, she thought as she pressed her lips against his pulse.

"Your mood swings are troublesome, dear, but perhaps I'll play along if I enjoy where this is taking me…" He drawled. She sniggered inwardly. _Bingo._

"O, Sesshomaru!" She murmured lustfully, hoping to arouse his manly thoughts instead of his intelligent side. If his intelligent side won the better of the lustful Sesshomaru, that just meant she lost the bet for good. Her time limit was coming up to a close here: five more minutes to make him smile!

While she proceeded in trying to force off his shirt, gleefully giggling maniacally inside that beautifully genius little brain of hers, Sesshomaru was in the process of keeping the wiggling woman at bay. Once she was at his mercy in his arms (she had completely forgotten or ignored that he had, indeed, more intellect than manly emotions inside that body of his and he was now presently trying to subdue her) she howled in agony,

"Curses! Foiled again! You are a dark, dark man, I have decided. Yes, it is true!" She pouted as he pressed his pale lips to her neck, enjoying the smoothness of her creamy skin. A distant wind swept the sakura petals off the tree and into the shrine gardens. His long silvery hair swept forward, engulfing his wife as her inky blue strands mixed with the plantinum. When the wind died, she gasped, "A message from the heavens, darling! They say you must smile at my antics or you shall have a very distraught wife the rest of the day!"

"Very cute, Kagome, but your time has come to an end. Do you admit your defeat?" He asked. Though he couldn't see her expression, he could feel her body go limp.

"Fiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnneeeeeeee……" She whined as he let go of her. She stood up, twirled around, and scowled at him. "You are the devil in disguise!"

"Just call me Hades," he mumbled.

"Don't pull in obscure mythology!" She sighed as she shook her head. "Sesshomaru, you are just too…" She sighed again, looking away to the side. "…too pitiful."

She closed her eyes as she turned her back to him, waving her arms in a very animated fashion, "but fear not, my love! My darling! My samurai! My savoir! I shall help you regain some sense by showing you a graceful defeat is what everyone needs once in a while—" Sesshomaru watched with an amused golden glance as his wife tumbled over a loose stone and fell into the mound of fresh mulch he was meaning to spread over the flowerbeds. If she weren't too occupied scorning the evil wood chips to the fiery pits of her fireplace, she would've seen her husband's rare smile. Sesshomaru couldn't contain himself any longer: what a darling woman, no matter how much of a lunatic she was! She was, no doubt, an amusing figure in his life. There was no way he would survive without smiling at her.

So how did he win, you wonder? How did he get Kagome to hand over his precious brittle collection she had hidden from him the week before?

Well…he used the best method of all:

**1. Emotion through eyes…**

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I assume you have no idea what you've just read. It's a nonsense little one-shot I just wrote a two in the morning! I've arrived back from Calfornia...my flight left yesterday at seven in the morning. I woke up at three...that night I went to bed at one. And now it's two o'clock in the morning and I'm feeling a bit loopy...I'm hearing constant Pokemon gameboy music in my head. Is that bad...?_  
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** If this one-short sucks, O well. If it makes you giggle, O good! If it makes you confused, well... O wonderful. **

**...Lilith-dono, do you even know what you're saying? No? Well, of course you don't! You're a mindless zombie who's about to pass out on her laptop screen! Huzzah!**

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